I know it's been a long time since I blogged - so much has happened in the past year it's almost unbelievable!

In the past 6 months or so my hubby has started to look for other work. We thought we had an in to a job in Yellowknife. Yup, I said it. Yellowknife. Both sets of parents were supportive. I was conflicted. We got word last week that the job is officially off the table (position changed). I am mixed about it - I was scared but also looking forward to an adventure. Door closed.

Today another door was pushed open...again but we said no. It was the possibility of going back to Goderich. We love that town but for our own well being, it wouldn't be the right choice. Financially, professionally and economically. Our favourite spots in town are gone, the town is suffering while they recover from the tornado damage... it wouldn't be the same. Plus I wouldn't be able to find work! (Tried last year around this time, it was impossible). Definitely confirmation that we made the right choice moving to Wasaga. Plus apparently Kevin's boss gave him the giant sad puppy eyes asking him to please stay! :P

While I am tucking my hubby in for his daily nap we got talking about the future. If we had made the right decisions. That I should have more faith that I will find a better job. (The resort I work at is in shoulder season - I've been off work for 2 weeks). Both of us tired of being tight on money all the time. Kevin has more faith then I do and I was just about to say that I wish I had his faith when the phone rang.

Friends of ours (new friends who we really love hanging out with) called asking if we needed any help at all with me being out of work lately. I almost cried. We came into their minds so they just called us up. My respect and love for this couple just grew huge!

To me this is God giving me a big wave reminding me the He is right here and always will be. That I need to stop doubting, to stop expecting the worst. I know that God gives us the desire of our heart*, I just need to learn to be patient!



*Desires of our heart? God knew deep down I wanted to find the love of my life and get married. He granted that and unexpectedly. He can do that for my career too I am sure! :)

Your genuine action will explain itself, and will explain your other genuine actions. Your conformity explains nothing. The force of character is cumulative. – Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

If ‘the voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tacks,’ then it is more genuine to be present today than to recount yesterdays. How would you describe today using only one sentence? Tell today’s sentence to one other person. Repeat each day.

(Author: Liz Danzico)

RESPONSE:

My day started out anxiously and ended happy with the smell of the beach still lingering on my skin!

You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.

(Author: Gwen Bell)

RESPONSE:

I would grab Kevin, run to the beach and watch the sunset. We'd sit on a blanket, holding hands, and affirming our love for each other. I'd have my last taste of chocolate. There would be tears, a lot of tears. A longing of not wanting to let go, to pinch myself that it wasn't true. 15 minutes is not enough time to say goodbye to my husband let alone my family and friends...*sniffles*

--------

I don't want this to happen, I don't want to know. And I cannot think about this without getting upset. I'm an emotional girl...this is something I don't want to think about more than a rational, realistic person.

On to the next #Trust30 prompt.

Life has been absolutely insane this past month. I left my job at RIM, I temporarily moved to Wasaga Beach for 3 weeks living in a hotel room. Within the first week I was hired and have been working part time since. Last weekend we moved into our new place. (It was an expensive move but so worth it...way less stress when someone else moves your belongings!).

I've been coping really well for the most part. This is the first town I've lived in that I have no family or no knowledge of the town/city itself. I do miss my lab colleagues and friends from k/w. BUT I also knew this move would be good for us. Good for our marriage and for each others career life too. I've scored a great job that is unique and huge potential for growth. Kevin is working for a fantastic radio station here in town with colleagues who take such good care of him (and even me. We got to go paintballing and laser questing two weeks ago with Kevin's colleagues!) Our new place is around the corner from work..for both of us since we work in the same building! (Across the hall from each other and my boss owns the building!).

A few weird things about Wasaga - the town is 22km long and 2 km wide with no "downtown". Cops are everywhere in this town so speeding is a big no, no! There are rumble strips down the length of the town (why?) and I have never heard as many sirens as I do here. (I've heard that it's due to the amount of senior citizens that live here).

Kevin and I have been married now for over 4 months. I can't believe where the time has gone and how much we have gone through since the wedding, it's crazy! One thing we learned in marriage counseling was that we have the same personality which comes in handy because we know what makes each other tick but it also means we are both bad at cutting ourselves slack. This is something we are definitely working on! We're still a mushy as ever though! :P

We also bought a puppy. A stuffed puppy and his name is Mo. We are such kids at heart! :)

This is life right now. It's a great life even with the sudden changes because my man is in my corner and I am in his always!

This has been on my mind for a couple days now and I hope my man won't mind me talking about this but...tonight we are going out with a friend of his (who through twitter I am becoming friends with) and her fiance. What I teased Kevin about and I will no longer, is that this friend he did date at one time before me. The sweetheart said he would cancel if it would be awkward for me. I'm been thinking about it. It doesn't, I'm actually excited to meet her since we get along so well on twitter.

First of all, Kevin and I have deep trust for each other. Secondly, we are married. I have nothing to worry about. Also, Kevin and I talk...about everything. It'd be different if she was 1)single and 2) she was going behind my back to see Kevin. This is not the case at all. But I am not going to lie, both of us girls will be probably size each other up. It's just the way ladies roll. :P
These are things I never anticipated myself thinking about. Analyzing. Finding out where I stand on certain issues. But here I am continuously learning about myself and growing deeper in relationship with Kevin which is creating a wonderful marriage.

Last night Kevin and I decided to catch a movie and one that has been catching a lot of Oscar buzz - "Black Swan". I agreed to see this because I like psychological thrillers for the most part and well I also wanted to know what the buzz was all about.

I cried.

There was a moment near the last quarter of the movie that freaked me out so much that I just started to heave with sobs. And as the movie continued with some disturbing scenes and the intensity had me seized in my seat clutching to Kevin. It took sweet words and tenderness from Kev to get me calmed down. The only other movie that got me so worked up was "Lovely Bones".

Confession: I have a very tender heart and soul. I grew up very sheltered and not exposed to movies that included sex, swearing or were scary/demonic.I kick myself sometimes for being so sensitive in mind/soul/heart and felt like a fool for crying but at the same time it's a good sign the movie is good...I got sucked in. I feel for the characters; empathize. I don't regret seeing this movie, it's definitely Oscar worthy especially Natalie Portman's acting ability!

When we got home (aka the resort) from the movies we through on something light - American Idol. So much for light! The last man to audition made me curl up into Kevin and cry. If you saw the epi you would understand and apparently/thankfully I wasn't the only one to tear up!

I love that my life is filled with learning more about myself and how blessed I am!

Mushu's Chili recipe:

2lb ground beef (while cooking mix in minced garlic, salt & pepper)
1 green bell pepper
1 red bell pepper
1 medium yellow onion
2 heaping tsp of chili powder
2 heaping tbsp of pureed chili peppers
2 heaping tsp of minced garlic
1 med can of chunky tomatoes
1 med can of tomato sauce
1 med can of kidney beans
1 med can of chick peas
1 cup of water

I had to split the chili in two as my crockpot was too small BUT the first portion turned out awesome with the right amount of kick! :)

I can't wait to try more recipes to fill the tummy of me and my man!

My last week of work wasn't the greatest. Actually I should clarify. Work was fine but me? Not so much. I had the worst case of IBS which caused me to miss work on Wednesday and feel like crap (pun intended) all week and I hardly ate a thing all week. Maybe it was partially nerves, I'll never know except that I am much better now! (Finally had a burger today!)

Our weekends plans changed and Kevin and I ended up in Port Stanley for a good chunk of the weekend. My sister has my car for the next couple of weeks so she's excited!

Sunday evening we arrived in Wasaga Beach after a 4 hr drive and a few detours (GPS suck sometimes and paper maps don't always show curves in roads!). It was -24 when we got here. My nose hairs froze on contact of stepping out of the car. :P

This morning I got up with Kevin at 4am, he went off to work while I watched BT and listened to his show for a bit then went back to bed. Later in the morning I went to the resort's lobby for some coffee and ended up chatting with a manager for 40mins. People are so nice here!

Our temporary place in Wasaga is the "Saga Resort":
Right now I do believe we are the only guests, weekends are their busy time in the winter. It's really nice though and management loves how tidy we are! (We have a full kitchen in our room, it's awesome and access to an outdoor hot tub!)

This afternoon I'm off to a meeting about a possible job! It's only p/t but it will be a nice change of pace for me!

Stay tuned for more 'Saga adventures!

So it's officially been announced to family, friends and colleagues. Kevin got a promotion/transfer to the radio station in Wasaga Beach - 97.7 The Beach which means I have quit my job (next Friday is my last day) and we are moving up there by mid-February. I'm excited!!

During the Christmas holidays I was a mix bag of emotions and my eyes kept eking out randomly even on New Years eve at one point. I was upset about the change again in our lives as we were barely getting settled in Goderich. I thought we would be settling for a long time in that town.

What do about my job? Do I stay somewhere in k/w during the week then go to Wasaga on weekends?

Plus the commute. It was killing me on so many levels. Mornings took me 2 hrs to get i Kevin went above and beyond with making me breakfast, packing my lunch, handing me a coffee on the way out the door and making dinner at night. Amazing I know! And not really fair. (Even if begs to disagree). At night I'd be zonked by 9pm and need to go to bed. Not so much fun....

So the decision. For the sake of my sanity/health and for our marriage I made the call (with lots of discussion) to give my notice and find other work/apply for ei. A giant weight fell off my shoulders immediately after this decision was made.

Here we sit. After this weekend I will be staying in Waterloo at a friends for a week while Kevin starts his new job in Wasaga. Not ideal but it's temporary and no long commute for me!

Now I am really excited about the move, finding a new place, fav hangouts, best places for pizza, ice cream...sushi. I can't wait for next week to be over so I can be with my honey every day again with more energy and a more balanced life! (I have one bit on a job so far, phone interview tomorrow morning)

I haven't blogged in over a year. |Wow, where has this year gone?

I'm a married woman now to the most amazing man in the world:
October 16th we were wed in front of family and friends, it was a beautiful day filled with love and laughter, just the way we wanted it to be! I can't believe that day has come and gone....it's been over 11 weeks but in a way it still feels like yesterday.

Confessions:
I am not used to being called wife but it's growing on me
I love my new last name so much
Being together feels like the most natural thing in the world
I never thought I'd be that girl...the one who has to be with her man. I can't get enough of Kevin

This year is starting on a relaxing note but with big changes coming very quickly. (No I am not preggers but I cannot spill the beans quite yet). I'm nervous, anxious yet excited for the adventures ahead!

I hope to blog more this year but please feel free to follow me on twitter.com, my handle is @uptowngirl

Until next time...

I kind of dropped this blog for various reasons. And since my mom decided to nag me about it during Christmas I decided to at least post something! 2009 has been an incredible year for me!

I went from a really horrible yet growing year in 2008 to the best year of my life in 2009. From struggling for work/social status/identity to an insane summer of new friends, crazy adventures, relaxing holidays, switched to days at work and...the best part of the year - meeting Kevin. I wasn't exactly looking to start a relationship... but I was. I was tired of my friends taking off on dates and my sister constantly being out with her boyfriend so I gave a couple websites a try. I was honest in my profiles and well, Kevin and I started talking at the beginning of September and here we are now - happily in love!! What an incredible part of life this is!! All I can say is it's beautiful and I hope it never ends!!!

I maybe back to post in the future especially with how slow life becomes in the winter months...

You'd think I was still in the book industry by this sudden rant:

I’m so sick and tired of seeing books about such unrealistic lives! I know that fiction is supposed to be an “escape” from the real world but for once it’d be nice to come across a book I could relate to and be encouraged by that which isn’t strictly a spiritual growth book.

I want a book written about the struggles a normal mid-twenties Christian woman goes through. The struggles of finding a network of friends, dealing with changes in friendships and relationships, being single in today’s world, maturing as a believer in Christ. Would anyone read it?

Would anyone want to read about how finding a new church in a new city changed my life? That I’ve never experience such spiritual growth and personality changes so much in the past 5 years? Or that it took me 4 years to really build any kind of network of friends?

I guess it didn't help I was reading a blog earlier which the blogger was doing reviews on books.

Anyways, this is all I got at the moment. Back to work!

I wish I had recorded on here all the awesome sauce things that I've done this summer because seriously, I think it's been the best summer of my life! I'm not trying to be melodramatic but it's true. (Especially compared to my circumstances last year at this time).

I have friends! Friends who call ME to hang out. Friends who get me out doing things I've not done before, gone places I've never been to before. Random road trips, late night chats, friendly mole competition, movie nights, etc. It's nice to have so many awesome people in my life!!

This has been a summer of immense change yet again. Coming to terms (previous posts) with the change in relationship with my sister because she found the love of her life. THIS has been the most challenging. Our lives have become quite separate in some ways but we're learning to deal with the change.

Along the same lines I've begun to find out that boys don't have cooties! :P Well more or less that I'm allowed to find guys attractive and flirt with them. (Lack of self-confidence for so many years). I'm allowed to have a crush even if it isn't going anywhere. This is the first job I've had in a long time that I'm surrounded with a number of people in my age bracket and that are boys! I seriously think I missed being a teenager!

Also, addicted to my blackberry. Just saying. Access to the internet 24/7? Dangerous! Oh and Torrid is my new fav store! (Can we say shopping in the states twice in 3 weeks?)

Sad side note: Please pray for my dad. Yesterday we found out another friend of his died last week, Paul. Paul was an amazing artist and one of the first people that befriended my dad when he moved to Port. My dad is angry and I can't say I don't blame him. How many people in his life have to keep dying? It seems so unfair and I don't know what to tell him except I love him.

Apparently I think too much but in my opinion, it's my only way to..let it out. I love to write, it's really the only creative part of my life. And HA! My pastor told me I was gifted with a great mind! :P

I'm scared. Scared of the future and change. Not in my job life but in everything else. Can I give credit to God for bringing people together after He provided for me so much? Am I in love with God? Could I even experience a fraction of that kind of love with a human man?

I am learning to let God change my heart. I need to let go because this is not about me.

*msn chatting break*

I just had a light bulb moment courtesy of one of my sisters. Basically it reminded me of the line that people are in your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. I need to let go.

I think I have cloned myself. Lately I am two very different people at work and at home and it's weird. I'm cracking jokes, throwing barbs, having fun, chilling with the co-op students and than I get home.

Bicker, bicker and silence. There's an emptiness in the basement yet there is no room to put it. So much should be said but nothing is. I sit in front of my computer screen all night because I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm going to delete all my online dating profiles. It's not meant for me and as much as my flesh wants attention, not getting it. I deserve better for myself than false hope.

I hate that I feel this way and even tonight I had to email a friend while they were at work 'cause I needed someone at that moment and couldn't go to my sister.

{"No one should be left out". Thanks Robbie Seay band, nicely timed :P}

I need to get out of my current "head space". I need to unload, reload and upgrade. (Okay, I seriously need to spend waaayy less time on my crappy a$$ comp). I need alone time with my Father. I want to hug Him instead of just tapping Him on the shoulder during those moments.

I have just spent the last 4 hours crying on and off. Random sobs. I have/had no plans tonight and I have the downstairs apartment to myself. I can't stop crying.

Maybe it's because I'm hurt. Maybe I'm grieving deaths. Death of a crush, death of things that have been and no longer will be? Change in relationships. The loneliness actually does exist. Not feeling wanted or appreciated for who I am. Being left out. Standing on the outside looking in wondering how I missed out when I was younger. I want to throw chickflicks out the window. I don't want to watch movie stars make out. I don't want to hear songs about what girl some guy wants to bang next.

Until now I've never understood what loneliness felt like. I get it now. Wow. I haven't felt this out of "whack" since my journey last year. I didn't realize how much the "want" of being "wanted" can be so hard to give up control on.



I reached out to a friend over msn and I'm doing much better now. Bring reminded that God loves me! I am beautiful! He is in control and not me. I need to take risks..

Read More 3 comments | Posted by Michelle |

You remember the feeling when you tried to swipe a cookie from the counter as your mom was baking and she would smack your hand away?

I had that feeling tonight while talking to a friend about a topic they were apparently sensitive about and I didn't realize it. I shouldn't feel bad because I had no idea but yet I still kick myself for bringing it up. I hate feeling stupid. Stupid makes me feel worse about myself and than I become afraid that said person will never talk to me again. Ludicrous isn't it? If I could learn how to stand my ground and not lack the "balls" to state my opinion without feeling like I need to apologize for having a thought that could be up for debate.

I am always so afraid of offending someone so bad that they'll never talk to me again. What, am I like 5? If someone stops being friends with me just for that? So not worth it.

I'll get over this - I just need to sleep on it, talk to said friend again and my conscience will feel better. (Stupid conscience, why do you have to be so guilty over such little things?)

I'm really struggling right now more than I'm willing to admit to except for a few. Work is great, church is good, my life is super busy and I love it!

BUT

There's always a but.

I'm hurting a bit right now for reasons I created in my own mind. One-way crushes are never healthy! Lesson learned for the zillionth time! But on top of that is the changes that have happened around me. It's not just envy. It's just change I didn't expect to happen even though I've prayed about it for so long. Disappointment that it isn't happening to me.

How selfish of me to forget who's hands my life are in! Who gave me my very life! I want something that apparently isn't meant for me right now. I gave up those rights.

"...for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
(Casting Crowns)

Some times I wonder if it'll ever be my turn. More than just the "curly haired, nice girl". These are the moments of my life that I don't like.

The fear of never being in love with someone.

I'm not a desperate and lonely single girl - I have a great life. I don't need someone to "complete" me. I just want someone to be attracted to me, who wants to get to know me, who wants to join me in my journey of life. I'm tired of one-sided crushes.

But maybe this isn't what God has in store for me right now. (Wise advice from a friend). And I just need to keep turning up these "moments" into His hands.

"God's will for you is that you know who you are, relax, and simply act like it in your daily routine." (Walking in the Will of God"by Steve McVey, pg 58)

That's a tall order when you are in the midst of chaos. But where I am on my journey now, I get it. I see the value in it and I'm actually experiencing it! Things are happening, I'm going out and enjoying life. Hanging out with friends, catching movies, enjoying the outdoors, rocking out at concerts, and in general just loving the moments as they come instead of clinging to what was and what could be.
"...and you should feel the sun in the spring

comin out after a rain

suddenly all is green

sunshine on everything

i can feel it now, i feel you now.."
("Stars" by David Crowder Band)