You'd think I was still in the book industry by this sudden rant:

I’m so sick and tired of seeing books about such unrealistic lives! I know that fiction is supposed to be an “escape” from the real world but for once it’d be nice to come across a book I could relate to and be encouraged by that which isn’t strictly a spiritual growth book.

I want a book written about the struggles a normal mid-twenties Christian woman goes through. The struggles of finding a network of friends, dealing with changes in friendships and relationships, being single in today’s world, maturing as a believer in Christ. Would anyone read it?

Would anyone want to read about how finding a new church in a new city changed my life? That I’ve never experience such spiritual growth and personality changes so much in the past 5 years? Or that it took me 4 years to really build any kind of network of friends?

I guess it didn't help I was reading a blog earlier which the blogger was doing reviews on books.

Anyways, this is all I got at the moment. Back to work!

I wish I had recorded on here all the awesome sauce things that I've done this summer because seriously, I think it's been the best summer of my life! I'm not trying to be melodramatic but it's true. (Especially compared to my circumstances last year at this time).

I have friends! Friends who call ME to hang out. Friends who get me out doing things I've not done before, gone places I've never been to before. Random road trips, late night chats, friendly mole competition, movie nights, etc. It's nice to have so many awesome people in my life!!

This has been a summer of immense change yet again. Coming to terms (previous posts) with the change in relationship with my sister because she found the love of her life. THIS has been the most challenging. Our lives have become quite separate in some ways but we're learning to deal with the change.

Along the same lines I've begun to find out that boys don't have cooties! :P Well more or less that I'm allowed to find guys attractive and flirt with them. (Lack of self-confidence for so many years). I'm allowed to have a crush even if it isn't going anywhere. This is the first job I've had in a long time that I'm surrounded with a number of people in my age bracket and that are boys! I seriously think I missed being a teenager!

Also, addicted to my blackberry. Just saying. Access to the internet 24/7? Dangerous! Oh and Torrid is my new fav store! (Can we say shopping in the states twice in 3 weeks?)

Sad side note: Please pray for my dad. Yesterday we found out another friend of his died last week, Paul. Paul was an amazing artist and one of the first people that befriended my dad when he moved to Port. My dad is angry and I can't say I don't blame him. How many people in his life have to keep dying? It seems so unfair and I don't know what to tell him except I love him.

Apparently I think too much but in my opinion, it's my only way to..let it out. I love to write, it's really the only creative part of my life. And HA! My pastor told me I was gifted with a great mind! :P

I'm scared. Scared of the future and change. Not in my job life but in everything else. Can I give credit to God for bringing people together after He provided for me so much? Am I in love with God? Could I even experience a fraction of that kind of love with a human man?

I am learning to let God change my heart. I need to let go because this is not about me.

*msn chatting break*

I just had a light bulb moment courtesy of one of my sisters. Basically it reminded me of the line that people are in your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. I need to let go.

I think I have cloned myself. Lately I am two very different people at work and at home and it's weird. I'm cracking jokes, throwing barbs, having fun, chilling with the co-op students and than I get home.

Bicker, bicker and silence. There's an emptiness in the basement yet there is no room to put it. So much should be said but nothing is. I sit in front of my computer screen all night because I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm going to delete all my online dating profiles. It's not meant for me and as much as my flesh wants attention, not getting it. I deserve better for myself than false hope.

I hate that I feel this way and even tonight I had to email a friend while they were at work 'cause I needed someone at that moment and couldn't go to my sister.

{"No one should be left out". Thanks Robbie Seay band, nicely timed :P}

I need to get out of my current "head space". I need to unload, reload and upgrade. (Okay, I seriously need to spend waaayy less time on my crappy a$$ comp). I need alone time with my Father. I want to hug Him instead of just tapping Him on the shoulder during those moments.

I have just spent the last 4 hours crying on and off. Random sobs. I have/had no plans tonight and I have the downstairs apartment to myself. I can't stop crying.

Maybe it's because I'm hurt. Maybe I'm grieving deaths. Death of a crush, death of things that have been and no longer will be? Change in relationships. The loneliness actually does exist. Not feeling wanted or appreciated for who I am. Being left out. Standing on the outside looking in wondering how I missed out when I was younger. I want to throw chickflicks out the window. I don't want to watch movie stars make out. I don't want to hear songs about what girl some guy wants to bang next.

Until now I've never understood what loneliness felt like. I get it now. Wow. I haven't felt this out of "whack" since my journey last year. I didn't realize how much the "want" of being "wanted" can be so hard to give up control on.



I reached out to a friend over msn and I'm doing much better now. Bring reminded that God loves me! I am beautiful! He is in control and not me. I need to take risks..

Read More 3 comments | Posted by Michelle | Links to this post |

You remember the feeling when you tried to swipe a cookie from the counter as your mom was baking and she would smack your hand away?

I had that feeling tonight while talking to a friend about a topic they were apparently sensitive about and I didn't realize it. I shouldn't feel bad because I had no idea but yet I still kick myself for bringing it up. I hate feeling stupid. Stupid makes me feel worse about myself and than I become afraid that said person will never talk to me again. Ludicrous isn't it? If I could learn how to stand my ground and not lack the "balls" to state my opinion without feeling like I need to apologize for having a thought that could be up for debate.

I am always so afraid of offending someone so bad that they'll never talk to me again. What, am I like 5? If someone stops being friends with me just for that? So not worth it.

I'll get over this - I just need to sleep on it, talk to said friend again and my conscience will feel better. (Stupid conscience, why do you have to be so guilty over such little things?)

I'm really struggling right now more than I'm willing to admit to except for a few. Work is great, church is good, my life is super busy and I love it!

BUT

There's always a but.

I'm hurting a bit right now for reasons I created in my own mind. One-way crushes are never healthy! Lesson learned for the zillionth time! But on top of that is the changes that have happened around me. It's not just envy. It's just change I didn't expect to happen even though I've prayed about it for so long. Disappointment that it isn't happening to me.

How selfish of me to forget who's hands my life are in! Who gave me my very life! I want something that apparently isn't meant for me right now. I gave up those rights.

"...for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
(Casting Crowns)