You remember the feeling when you tried to swipe a cookie from the counter as your mom was baking and she would smack your hand away?

I had that feeling tonight while talking to a friend about a topic they were apparently sensitive about and I didn't realize it. I shouldn't feel bad because I had no idea but yet I still kick myself for bringing it up. I hate feeling stupid. Stupid makes me feel worse about myself and than I become afraid that said person will never talk to me again. Ludicrous isn't it? If I could learn how to stand my ground and not lack the "balls" to state my opinion without feeling like I need to apologize for having a thought that could be up for debate.

I am always so afraid of offending someone so bad that they'll never talk to me again. What, am I like 5? If someone stops being friends with me just for that? So not worth it.

I'll get over this - I just need to sleep on it, talk to said friend again and my conscience will feel better. (Stupid conscience, why do you have to be so guilty over such little things?)

I'm really struggling right now more than I'm willing to admit to except for a few. Work is great, church is good, my life is super busy and I love it!

BUT

There's always a but.

I'm hurting a bit right now for reasons I created in my own mind. One-way crushes are never healthy! Lesson learned for the zillionth time! But on top of that is the changes that have happened around me. It's not just envy. It's just change I didn't expect to happen even though I've prayed about it for so long. Disappointment that it isn't happening to me.

How selfish of me to forget who's hands my life are in! Who gave me my very life! I want something that apparently isn't meant for me right now. I gave up those rights.

"...for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
(Casting Crowns)

Some times I wonder if it'll ever be my turn. More than just the "curly haired, nice girl". These are the moments of my life that I don't like.

The fear of never being in love with someone.

I'm not a desperate and lonely single girl - I have a great life. I don't need someone to "complete" me. I just want someone to be attracted to me, who wants to get to know me, who wants to join me in my journey of life. I'm tired of one-sided crushes.

But maybe this isn't what God has in store for me right now. (Wise advice from a friend). And I just need to keep turning up these "moments" into His hands.

"God's will for you is that you know who you are, relax, and simply act like it in your daily routine." (Walking in the Will of God"by Steve McVey, pg 58)

That's a tall order when you are in the midst of chaos. But where I am on my journey now, I get it. I see the value in it and I'm actually experiencing it! Things are happening, I'm going out and enjoying life. Hanging out with friends, catching movies, enjoying the outdoors, rocking out at concerts, and in general just loving the moments as they come instead of clinging to what was and what could be.
"...and you should feel the sun in the spring

comin out after a rain

suddenly all is green

sunshine on everything

i can feel it now, i feel you now.."
("Stars" by David Crowder Band)