You'd think I was still in the book industry by this sudden rant:

I’m so sick and tired of seeing books about such unrealistic lives! I know that fiction is supposed to be an “escape” from the real world but for once it’d be nice to come across a book I could relate to and be encouraged by that which isn’t strictly a spiritual growth book.

I want a book written about the struggles a normal mid-twenties Christian woman goes through. The struggles of finding a network of friends, dealing with changes in friendships and relationships, being single in today’s world, maturing as a believer in Christ. Would anyone read it?

Would anyone want to read about how finding a new church in a new city changed my life? That I’ve never experience such spiritual growth and personality changes so much in the past 5 years? Or that it took me 4 years to really build any kind of network of friends?

I guess it didn't help I was reading a blog earlier which the blogger was doing reviews on books.

Anyways, this is all I got at the moment. Back to work!

I wish I had recorded on here all the awesome sauce things that I've done this summer because seriously, I think it's been the best summer of my life! I'm not trying to be melodramatic but it's true. (Especially compared to my circumstances last year at this time).

I have friends! Friends who call ME to hang out. Friends who get me out doing things I've not done before, gone places I've never been to before. Random road trips, late night chats, friendly mole competition, movie nights, etc. It's nice to have so many awesome people in my life!!

This has been a summer of immense change yet again. Coming to terms (previous posts) with the change in relationship with my sister because she found the love of her life. THIS has been the most challenging. Our lives have become quite separate in some ways but we're learning to deal with the change.

Along the same lines I've begun to find out that boys don't have cooties! :P Well more or less that I'm allowed to find guys attractive and flirt with them. (Lack of self-confidence for so many years). I'm allowed to have a crush even if it isn't going anywhere. This is the first job I've had in a long time that I'm surrounded with a number of people in my age bracket and that are boys! I seriously think I missed being a teenager!

Also, addicted to my blackberry. Just saying. Access to the internet 24/7? Dangerous! Oh and Torrid is my new fav store! (Can we say shopping in the states twice in 3 weeks?)

Sad side note: Please pray for my dad. Yesterday we found out another friend of his died last week, Paul. Paul was an amazing artist and one of the first people that befriended my dad when he moved to Port. My dad is angry and I can't say I don't blame him. How many people in his life have to keep dying? It seems so unfair and I don't know what to tell him except I love him.

Apparently I think too much but in my opinion, it's my only way to..let it out. I love to write, it's really the only creative part of my life. And HA! My pastor told me I was gifted with a great mind! :P

I'm scared. Scared of the future and change. Not in my job life but in everything else. Can I give credit to God for bringing people together after He provided for me so much? Am I in love with God? Could I even experience a fraction of that kind of love with a human man?

I am learning to let God change my heart. I need to let go because this is not about me.

*msn chatting break*

I just had a light bulb moment courtesy of one of my sisters. Basically it reminded me of the line that people are in your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. I need to let go.

I think I have cloned myself. Lately I am two very different people at work and at home and it's weird. I'm cracking jokes, throwing barbs, having fun, chilling with the co-op students and than I get home.

Bicker, bicker and silence. There's an emptiness in the basement yet there is no room to put it. So much should be said but nothing is. I sit in front of my computer screen all night because I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm going to delete all my online dating profiles. It's not meant for me and as much as my flesh wants attention, not getting it. I deserve better for myself than false hope.

I hate that I feel this way and even tonight I had to email a friend while they were at work 'cause I needed someone at that moment and couldn't go to my sister.

{"No one should be left out". Thanks Robbie Seay band, nicely timed :P}

I need to get out of my current "head space". I need to unload, reload and upgrade. (Okay, I seriously need to spend waaayy less time on my crappy a$$ comp). I need alone time with my Father. I want to hug Him instead of just tapping Him on the shoulder during those moments.

I have just spent the last 4 hours crying on and off. Random sobs. I have/had no plans tonight and I have the downstairs apartment to myself. I can't stop crying.

Maybe it's because I'm hurt. Maybe I'm grieving deaths. Death of a crush, death of things that have been and no longer will be? Change in relationships. The loneliness actually does exist. Not feeling wanted or appreciated for who I am. Being left out. Standing on the outside looking in wondering how I missed out when I was younger. I want to throw chickflicks out the window. I don't want to watch movie stars make out. I don't want to hear songs about what girl some guy wants to bang next.

Until now I've never understood what loneliness felt like. I get it now. Wow. I haven't felt this out of "whack" since my journey last year. I didn't realize how much the "want" of being "wanted" can be so hard to give up control on.



I reached out to a friend over msn and I'm doing much better now. Bring reminded that God loves me! I am beautiful! He is in control and not me. I need to take risks..

Read More 3 comments | Posted by Michelle |

You remember the feeling when you tried to swipe a cookie from the counter as your mom was baking and she would smack your hand away?

I had that feeling tonight while talking to a friend about a topic they were apparently sensitive about and I didn't realize it. I shouldn't feel bad because I had no idea but yet I still kick myself for bringing it up. I hate feeling stupid. Stupid makes me feel worse about myself and than I become afraid that said person will never talk to me again. Ludicrous isn't it? If I could learn how to stand my ground and not lack the "balls" to state my opinion without feeling like I need to apologize for having a thought that could be up for debate.

I am always so afraid of offending someone so bad that they'll never talk to me again. What, am I like 5? If someone stops being friends with me just for that? So not worth it.

I'll get over this - I just need to sleep on it, talk to said friend again and my conscience will feel better. (Stupid conscience, why do you have to be so guilty over such little things?)

I'm really struggling right now more than I'm willing to admit to except for a few. Work is great, church is good, my life is super busy and I love it!

BUT

There's always a but.

I'm hurting a bit right now for reasons I created in my own mind. One-way crushes are never healthy! Lesson learned for the zillionth time! But on top of that is the changes that have happened around me. It's not just envy. It's just change I didn't expect to happen even though I've prayed about it for so long. Disappointment that it isn't happening to me.

How selfish of me to forget who's hands my life are in! Who gave me my very life! I want something that apparently isn't meant for me right now. I gave up those rights.

"...for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
(Casting Crowns)

Some times I wonder if it'll ever be my turn. More than just the "curly haired, nice girl". These are the moments of my life that I don't like.

The fear of never being in love with someone.

I'm not a desperate and lonely single girl - I have a great life. I don't need someone to "complete" me. I just want someone to be attracted to me, who wants to get to know me, who wants to join me in my journey of life. I'm tired of one-sided crushes.

But maybe this isn't what God has in store for me right now. (Wise advice from a friend). And I just need to keep turning up these "moments" into His hands.

"God's will for you is that you know who you are, relax, and simply act like it in your daily routine." (Walking in the Will of God"by Steve McVey, pg 58)

That's a tall order when you are in the midst of chaos. But where I am on my journey now, I get it. I see the value in it and I'm actually experiencing it! Things are happening, I'm going out and enjoying life. Hanging out with friends, catching movies, enjoying the outdoors, rocking out at concerts, and in general just loving the moments as they come instead of clinging to what was and what could be.
"...and you should feel the sun in the spring

comin out after a rain

suddenly all is green

sunshine on everything

i can feel it now, i feel you now.."
("Stars" by David Crowder Band)

I am another turning point in my road of life.

I had the mole on my face removed yesterday. I was freaking nervous about it and now that it's over I'm better but still feel a little odd. Almost like I'm off balance. In a weird way I am losing a small part of my identity that I've had for so long.

Do I think getting rid of this mole will make me more attractive? That's pretty steep of an expectation on something actually quite small in the grand scheme of things.

And the healing process is going to take way longer than I realized. The "dressing" they put on my face I've already taken off. Now I have an ugly ass band-aid covering the wound which this will last for like 3 weeks. Just lovely! :P

When can I face the public again? Ha, ha. I already did right after the procedure which was terribly embarrassing. "Michelle! What's that on your....wait, nevermind". Thanks coop student for pointing out the obvious.

I'm really enjoying the fullness of life right now. I don't remember feeling this happy about life in..well, I think ever. And in fullness I mean letting life flow and being more carefree. Going out frequently with friends and trying new things I've never done before. My last two weekends have been insanely nice but in a way that's just keeping me smiling.

Last week recap
-Thursday night dinner out with my friend Bob
-Friday was quiet, relatively.
-Saturday was Tim & Roe's wedding in Listowel
-Sunday I spent the day in Niagara Falls with my friend Jenn
-Monday I relaxed for a while then went for dinner with my friend Rachael and then we played a couple rounds at Dooley's.

This weekend recap
-Friday night was out with my friend Dee, her sister and their cousin to "Dallas" in Kitchener
-Saturday I spent most of the day painting the living room upstairs. Then in the evening it was movies with Rachael which also then included watching UFC at Crabby Joe's in Cambridge (where I ran into an old friend from high school/youth group/college - talk about an added bonus!)
-Sunday was church in the am, church hike in the early pm and than a bbq in the evening.

Can we say that I've officially became a social butterfly?

It's such a contrast to last year and I LOVE it. God has blessed me with such good friends, building relationships and a good life. I've changed a lot in the last year and I think that has been pivotal in why my life is the way it is now.

There is still things I need to work on. There are things I still wish for in life but right now, I'm resting in my current joy...the joy the Father has given me.

There's a few things I've been addicted to lately:

Let me start by saying this. I'm 24 years old and have never had a boyfriend. The last date I was on involved McDonald's and a drive in the country with my date from Prom. Which looking back, I don't consider it much of a date really. Anyways, this brings me to a topic that has come up numerous times lately in my life and I want to address it.


Being "unattached" aka being single.


Last Saturday I was at a dinner party with ex-colleagues from a company I used to work for. It was a good time of catching up and eating good food. During one of the conversations with an ex-colleague, she asked if I have been seeing anyone. I was like "...uh, no." And I was quick to add "but I'm okay with that". She quickly retorted with "I wouldn't be!". (She's been married for a handful of years and has two kids).


Why is it that some people can't handle even the notion of other people still being single in their 20's (let alone any older age bracket). It's especially hard in the dutch culture I grew up in and have family ties to. Most of my cousins on my mom's side over the age of 20 are married. (Heaven frick'n forbid you are still single by mid-late 20's!). My aunts and uncles I think have pretty much given up asking. Which is fine, I hate when they ask anyways because why is that such a pinnacle of life?


To me having a life I enjoy, living in God's will, having great friendships and being part of a fantastic church is more important at this time in my life. I'm very thankful that I've had a couple of years of immense spiritual and personal growth I'm not sure I could have experienced as a married person.


I think it's somewhat harder as a Christian to be a single. Or at least when explaining to non "religious" people why you aren't dating or shacked up with someone. My only answer to them is that my social circles are pretty small and they don't involve single men. The church I attend and am heavily involved in has very few single men. So what are my options then? Church hopping? (Just KIDDING. I love telling people about a series of books I read once where that was the main plot of the stories). Or follow the trend of "hunting" online? (At this moment, I don't have the "balls" to do more than look at profiles)


Being in a relationship or married doesn't "complete" me and I'm very thankful that is not my mindset! I think someone falsely let themselves believe this lie as an excuse that they have to always be in a relationship. Maybe it's because I've not even "tasted" a real relationship that I find it okay to be single?!?


I dunno but these are my thoughts on the subject at the moment! :)

P.S. Check out my posting on "R is for Rejection" on my deeper thoughts blog.

Last night after working out I was mentioning to my workout buddy that I need some new music. Sadly I've been listening to pretty much just two albums/artists for the past two years - Grits and Manafest. Any suggestions? I need lots of beat and energy music!

Interestingly enough while at work waiting for my machine to run, I came across some new music! Mind you it's not for working out but it's beautiful! I'm not a big fan of female singers (for some reason) but this lady rocks! Brooke Fraser:

Love it!

(that's what I call a catchy blog title and possible book title?!? Just kidding)

Yesterday I received a couple new followers on twitter and the one being Matthew Paul Turner!

I have no idea how he found my twitter or why I'm interesting enough to follow :P Anyways, my point is this - I read one of his books a couple years ago and I will never forget it. Funniest book ever on a topic most "Christians" avoid like the plague - "What Your Parents Didn't Teach You About Sex". I remember there being somewhat of an issue* about his book being too uh, risky to be put in the Christian market. I really wanted to buy a copy and give one to every friend who was getting married except I don't think it would have gone over too well. (The single girl giving the soon-to-be-married a book on sex? How awkward!)

We, Christians, have such a warped view on the topic. Thankfully I was a smart kid and learned quickly all about the "birds and the bees" relieving my parents of ever having to give "the talk". Aren't you lucky Mom? (She reads this blog) I think people, especially those of the religious kind, should gain a healthy knowledge and understanding of sex. Why? For various reasons and you dear reader, are smart enough to figure that out.

Which brings me to another book I've read recently - "Sex and the Church" by Carmen Renee Berry. This was a really fascinating book about how sex effected change in the church from women being property of their husband to gaining rights in society and within the church. I didn't think I would enjoy so much history of the church but the author did a good job of keeping my interest.

There ends my uh, interesting post of the week!

Side note: I also wanted to point out two books that I want to read from reading Matthew Paul Turner blog:

"Unchurched" by Matthew Paul Turner
"Angry Conversation with God" by Susane Isaacs

Happy Thursday!


(I miss working in the Christian book industry!)

My life has gotten quite a bit busy since the beginning of the year.
- Leadership team meetings (Yah! for getting voted in for another two years!!!)
- Two Young Adults Small Groups
- Grace Walk Advanced Training sessions

And recently I've decided to take more care of myself!
- finally back to the gym after a year hiatus and I even have a workout buddy
- first appointment with my own doctor this afternoon
- overdue eye appointment on Friday afternoon which will include long overdue new glasses
- next Saturday I have a hair appointment for both cut and hair dying

I like this path I am on now. Finally feeling like I'm getting back to "normal". I let everything go last year and especially myself which not only impacted my health but also my self confidence.

Now to find me a new esthetician - these eyebrows need some work....

but links about things I like/or find funny.

Totally love Joshua Jackson thanks to his awesome character in Fringe! He's in a movie called "One Week" and it's pretty much an all Canadian movie! I want to see it and apparently it's playing this weekend and next week at the Princess Twin in Uptown.


Last night's LOST episode recap: 'Lost': Flower to the people, no delay!
Seriously the funniest recap so far this season. This writer is hilarious.

I totally forgot about this website I used to read all the time - Reverend Fun - it's basically comics based on the church and biblical stuff in good fun. I'm not sure if I find this funny or sad since I've worked in the Christian book market:
http://www.reverendfun.com/index.php?date=20081208

Most Improved Schools Are In The Poorest Neighbourhoods: Study
Grey Central in Ethel - my elementary school in on the list - interesting!

Motorist Pulled Over For Allegedly Driving At 250 km/h This is absolutely insane. Apparently the type of car the guy was driving would have capped off at this speed. Oh and all he said was "I'm sorry". Have fun paying the price for being ridiculous!

Three Ontario Residents In Running For "Best Job In The World"
You should click on the link and check out the 3 videos - love the guy from Guelph singing a musical in the streets.

Top Ten Tools for your Blog
I want to pass this on to my sister - information she may need to get the word out about her website.

Random LOST items:

Ace of Cakes on LOST
Duff and his crew created a cake for the 100th episode of LOST. Awesome! Episode airs May 9th I think.

Red Shirt Theory
I didn't realize that "red shirt" characters always die on shows/characters have short life spans. Totally is true on LOST!


Websites I found while webcrawling:

MentalFloss - a lot of useless information and articles to read
Cake Wrecks - funniest website I've read in a while plus it's all about cakes which I love

"For, much of the time, low-fat foods have just as many calories as their higher-fat versions, and often they have even more sugar."