Apparently I think too much but in my opinion, it's my only way to..let it out. I love to write, it's really the only creative part of my life. And HA! My pastor told me I was gifted with a great mind! :P

I'm scared. Scared of the future and change. Not in my job life but in everything else. Can I give credit to God for bringing people together after He provided for me so much? Am I in love with God? Could I even experience a fraction of that kind of love with a human man?

I am learning to let God change my heart. I need to let go because this is not about me.

*msn chatting break*

I just had a light bulb moment courtesy of one of my sisters. Basically it reminded me of the line that people are in your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. I need to let go.

I think I have cloned myself. Lately I am two very different people at work and at home and it's weird. I'm cracking jokes, throwing barbs, having fun, chilling with the co-op students and than I get home.

Bicker, bicker and silence. There's an emptiness in the basement yet there is no room to put it. So much should be said but nothing is. I sit in front of my computer screen all night because I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm going to delete all my online dating profiles. It's not meant for me and as much as my flesh wants attention, not getting it. I deserve better for myself than false hope.

I hate that I feel this way and even tonight I had to email a friend while they were at work 'cause I needed someone at that moment and couldn't go to my sister.

{"No one should be left out". Thanks Robbie Seay band, nicely timed :P}

I need to get out of my current "head space". I need to unload, reload and upgrade. (Okay, I seriously need to spend waaayy less time on my crappy a$$ comp). I need alone time with my Father. I want to hug Him instead of just tapping Him on the shoulder during those moments.

I have just spent the last 4 hours crying on and off. Random sobs. I have/had no plans tonight and I have the downstairs apartment to myself. I can't stop crying.

Maybe it's because I'm hurt. Maybe I'm grieving deaths. Death of a crush, death of things that have been and no longer will be? Change in relationships. The loneliness actually does exist. Not feeling wanted or appreciated for who I am. Being left out. Standing on the outside looking in wondering how I missed out when I was younger. I want to throw chickflicks out the window. I don't want to watch movie stars make out. I don't want to hear songs about what girl some guy wants to bang next.

Until now I've never understood what loneliness felt like. I get it now. Wow. I haven't felt this out of "whack" since my journey last year. I didn't realize how much the "want" of being "wanted" can be so hard to give up control on.



I reached out to a friend over msn and I'm doing much better now. Bring reminded that God loves me! I am beautiful! He is in control and not me. I need to take risks..

Read More 3 comments | Posted by Michelle |