I never thought I would get a serious boyfriend.
I never thought I would get married.
So here I am 15 months married and now I'm having thoughts I never thought I would have:

To be a mom or not to be a mom.

It was never a deal breaker for Kevin & I if we did or did not have children. We're not ready right now to even make that decision but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I may not even be able to conceive a child. I'm not ready to make a decision right now. Do I want to know right know if I can or cannot carry a baby? Or is this just hitting me because I know so many pregnant women?

I've never been the type to yearn to be a mother but now?

I'm curious what a child of ours could look like and at times Kevin does such cute things it makes me want mini versions of him!

For now, I'm good. But I am curious for all those couples out there that have chosen not to have children. How did you come to that decision? I would love to hear!

(Note: These are our baby photos!!)

A fat rant.

I'm just finishing up a movie on W Network and well, it's got my goat! The premise of the movie is a skinny gorgeous chick dresses up in a fat suit to do an undercover documentary about obesity. Even before I've finished the movie I have a beef. (And yes, pun intended).

There is way too many stereotypes in this movie, all the cliches.

Not all fat people eat a chocolate bar(s) every day. Not all of us binge on a regular basis. Not of
of us make horrible food choices.

Some of us eat well, healthy even. Some of us struggle with any kind of weightloss due to hormonal imbalances. Some of us are honestly "big boned" (and tall!!) with a little extra weight. Some of us can't just instantly lose weight with a diet change (or lifestyle change, same shit, different name).

For me? It took me working out 6-7 hrs a week to lose any weight. I had no life, it was work, workout and sleep. I had to pay a lot of money to get that fit (gym membership, personal training fees and a lot of time). I changed a bit of my eating habits which mostly involved switching from mini wheats to oatmeal. And also cutting back on lattes. In that time of 6 months I lost 27 pounds, that's all. I gained muscle and dropped some fat BUT, get this. I was labelled athletic when I finished my training. At still over 220lbs I was actually at a cardio level of an athlete.

(Side note: I am sorry to say but sometimes financials play a huge part in weight loss. It's really hard to eat well on not a lot of money. I crave working out but I can't afford a gym and free weights are not enough. The only thing I can control right now is my diet and I am! Don't even get me started on how shift work makes it very difficult because I work around that with slow cooker meals, lean proteins and packing a good dinner.)

It took me a long time to believe in myself thanks to a lot of mean children around me growing up. I never felt like I fit in to my group of "friends" in high school either especially the normal sized girls who would throw around words like "sexy" and "goddess". How at 16 does someone feel that way? 12 years later I finally understand that after years of building my own confidence and also having someone in my life who loves me inside and out. But that's a whole other story! :P

I believe that genes to play a bit of a part in the weight thing too. I have the shape of a linebacker. I see pics of my late grandma and I see a lot of physical similarities. Broad shouldered with a lack of a defined waist. Tnankfully my hips have finally filled out so I look less like a box now. (Can you say really late bloomer?!)

Anyways, what I want to say is that people need to be more open minded and less judgemental about some of us who do struggle with our weight. For some of us it isn't a simple fix. We are also not ignorant. Kevin & I know that we need to lose weight and we're working on it and finding out what works for us. Some days it has to take a backburner due to work schedules, lack of funds for healthier meals or just being socially busy. Everything takes time and energy, there is no magical answer.

I'm hoping in the new year that with a better job I can have the revenue to start taking cardio classes again and hit the gym with my honey. I have no desire to grow old and fat! :P

I'll never be skinny, I know that but I can be healthy and I'm working on that. Wish me luck!

Every once in a while I get an email to my inbox about the chance to do a book review. I usually pass because the books don't jump out at me but recently one did. It was claimed to be a controversial book on marriage written by a pastor and his wife. I signed up to get a copy.

Real Marriage: The Truth about Sex, Friendship and Life Together
by Mark & Grace Driscoll.

So here I sit after finishing the book and well, I have mixed feelings about it.

First of all, there is some "gold nuggets" (to quote an old pastor of mine) of advice and information. There is also a really great chapter on how to be friends with your spouse but the rest? It became apparent that this book is meant for couples in difficult marriages that need some redeveloping. I also started to get defensive in my mind especially the way the authors pushed their beliefs. (No ones beliefs are identical so I do bare that in mind)

I feel that the book lacks real guidance for marriage and that matches with today's society. I've been married for 15 months and not much in this book spoke to me. Society is no longer filled with the "neutral" family nor is it the norm. Not all of us get married to start a family right away. How about some modern scenarios such as how about dealing with real issues like working through finances, struggling with finding full filling employment or deal with with family crisis and grief? They've missed so many other real life struggles that are the core of building a life together and being a unit of one.

This book is not controversial or maybe it is because it's not and people are talking about it? The honesty from the authors is commended but the book doesn't flow well nor feel like a good book on marriage - it's mostly about the bad stuff, the hard stuff. I was expecting more, more about love then "doing" things to please each other. I know that marriage is not sunset and roses all the time but this book leaves out the joys. I was hoping this book was going to talk about having a healthy marriage, how to work together and about how fantastic sex is for a marriage!

The sex chapter in this book was not helpful at all! I was hoping they'd give advice to those who don't have much experience how to do things not just talk about sex related topics (eg. birth control, sexual assault, annal sex). So many Christians are clueless about love making! Something so carnal yet people think it's gross or made solely for procreation. Couples need to be intimate very often. We need those "pillow talk" times especially when the rest of life might be off balance. The chapter needed to be less technical and more real about the issues people struggle with in this department. Writing with feelings instead of stats would have been much appreciated.

Where is there discussion on topics about romancing? On communicating? About how you should talk to your spouse about everything! Or the importance of just being together doing nothing? Marriage shouldn't be as hard as they make it sound especially if you learn early on to be selfless and put your spouse above yourself.

I wish I had better things to say, I hoped for it. I will not be recommending this book even to those I know struggling in their marriage. This book is too negative.

But this is my opinion, maybe no one else will agree. This is just my gut reaction.

"Advanced Reader's Copy of the book has been provided courtesy of Thomas Nelson and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc. Available at your favourite bookseller from Thomas Nelson"