I never thought I would get a serious boyfriend.
I never thought I would get married.
So here I am 15 months married and now I'm having thoughts I never thought I would have:

To be a mom or not to be a mom.

It was never a deal breaker for Kevin & I if we did or did not have children. We're not ready right now to even make that decision but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I may not even be able to conceive a child. I'm not ready to make a decision right now. Do I want to know right know if I can or cannot carry a baby? Or is this just hitting me because I know so many pregnant women?

I've never been the type to yearn to be a mother but now?

I'm curious what a child of ours could look like and at times Kevin does such cute things it makes me want mini versions of him!

For now, I'm good. But I am curious for all those couples out there that have chosen not to have children. How did you come to that decision? I would love to hear!

(Note: These are our baby photos!!)

A fat rant.

I'm just finishing up a movie on W Network and well, it's got my goat! The premise of the movie is a skinny gorgeous chick dresses up in a fat suit to do an undercover documentary about obesity. Even before I've finished the movie I have a beef. (And yes, pun intended).

There is way too many stereotypes in this movie, all the cliches.

Not all fat people eat a chocolate bar(s) every day. Not all of us binge on a regular basis. Not of
of us make horrible food choices.

Some of us eat well, healthy even. Some of us struggle with any kind of weightloss due to hormonal imbalances. Some of us are honestly "big boned" (and tall!!) with a little extra weight. Some of us can't just instantly lose weight with a diet change (or lifestyle change, same shit, different name).

For me? It took me working out 6-7 hrs a week to lose any weight. I had no life, it was work, workout and sleep. I had to pay a lot of money to get that fit (gym membership, personal training fees and a lot of time). I changed a bit of my eating habits which mostly involved switching from mini wheats to oatmeal. And also cutting back on lattes. In that time of 6 months I lost 27 pounds, that's all. I gained muscle and dropped some fat BUT, get this. I was labelled athletic when I finished my training. At still over 220lbs I was actually at a cardio level of an athlete.

(Side note: I am sorry to say but sometimes financials play a huge part in weight loss. It's really hard to eat well on not a lot of money. I crave working out but I can't afford a gym and free weights are not enough. The only thing I can control right now is my diet and I am! Don't even get me started on how shift work makes it very difficult because I work around that with slow cooker meals, lean proteins and packing a good dinner.)

It took me a long time to believe in myself thanks to a lot of mean children around me growing up. I never felt like I fit in to my group of "friends" in high school either especially the normal sized girls who would throw around words like "sexy" and "goddess". How at 16 does someone feel that way? 12 years later I finally understand that after years of building my own confidence and also having someone in my life who loves me inside and out. But that's a whole other story! :P

I believe that genes to play a bit of a part in the weight thing too. I have the shape of a linebacker. I see pics of my late grandma and I see a lot of physical similarities. Broad shouldered with a lack of a defined waist. Tnankfully my hips have finally filled out so I look less like a box now. (Can you say really late bloomer?!)

Anyways, what I want to say is that people need to be more open minded and less judgemental about some of us who do struggle with our weight. For some of us it isn't a simple fix. We are also not ignorant. Kevin & I know that we need to lose weight and we're working on it and finding out what works for us. Some days it has to take a backburner due to work schedules, lack of funds for healthier meals or just being socially busy. Everything takes time and energy, there is no magical answer.

I'm hoping in the new year that with a better job I can have the revenue to start taking cardio classes again and hit the gym with my honey. I have no desire to grow old and fat! :P

I'll never be skinny, I know that but I can be healthy and I'm working on that. Wish me luck!

Every once in a while I get an email to my inbox about the chance to do a book review. I usually pass because the books don't jump out at me but recently one did. It was claimed to be a controversial book on marriage written by a pastor and his wife. I signed up to get a copy.

Real Marriage: The Truth about Sex, Friendship and Life Together
by Mark & Grace Driscoll.

So here I sit after finishing the book and well, I have mixed feelings about it.

First of all, there is some "gold nuggets" (to quote an old pastor of mine) of advice and information. There is also a really great chapter on how to be friends with your spouse but the rest? It became apparent that this book is meant for couples in difficult marriages that need some redeveloping. I also started to get defensive in my mind especially the way the authors pushed their beliefs. (No ones beliefs are identical so I do bare that in mind)

I feel that the book lacks real guidance for marriage and that matches with today's society. I've been married for 15 months and not much in this book spoke to me. Society is no longer filled with the "neutral" family nor is it the norm. Not all of us get married to start a family right away. How about some modern scenarios such as how about dealing with real issues like working through finances, struggling with finding full filling employment or deal with with family crisis and grief? They've missed so many other real life struggles that are the core of building a life together and being a unit of one.

This book is not controversial or maybe it is because it's not and people are talking about it? The honesty from the authors is commended but the book doesn't flow well nor feel like a good book on marriage - it's mostly about the bad stuff, the hard stuff. I was expecting more, more about love then "doing" things to please each other. I know that marriage is not sunset and roses all the time but this book leaves out the joys. I was hoping this book was going to talk about having a healthy marriage, how to work together and about how fantastic sex is for a marriage!

The sex chapter in this book was not helpful at all! I was hoping they'd give advice to those who don't have much experience how to do things not just talk about sex related topics (eg. birth control, sexual assault, annal sex). So many Christians are clueless about love making! Something so carnal yet people think it's gross or made solely for procreation. Couples need to be intimate very often. We need those "pillow talk" times especially when the rest of life might be off balance. The chapter needed to be less technical and more real about the issues people struggle with in this department. Writing with feelings instead of stats would have been much appreciated.

Where is there discussion on topics about romancing? On communicating? About how you should talk to your spouse about everything! Or the importance of just being together doing nothing? Marriage shouldn't be as hard as they make it sound especially if you learn early on to be selfless and put your spouse above yourself.

I wish I had better things to say, I hoped for it. I will not be recommending this book even to those I know struggling in their marriage. This book is too negative.

But this is my opinion, maybe no one else will agree. This is just my gut reaction.

"Advanced Reader's Copy of the book has been provided courtesy of Thomas Nelson and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc. Available at your favourite bookseller from Thomas Nelson"

Kevin is currently watching a made for tv movie which is slightly too suspenseful for me. But watching parts of it got me thinking again. Thinking about writing. (The main character is an author struggling with writer's block by the way). By no means do I think myself a linguist but at times I feel like I have a lot to say. Maybe I need to just stick to blogging that has a very limited audience. I don't think I am smart enough to write fiction, I've always been one more for person reflection and growth. Who wants to read yet another self help book? And what story do I really have to tell? Or am I sitting (figuratively) on a story of which I am just no aware of yet?

I read a lot (especially lately). I love search-word puzzles. I love to type. I used to write poetry. Actually I still do...sort of. It's more descriptive paragraphs but I do. The latest is definitely one written so mushy it is only for my hubby's eye's at the moment!

So what is my story? And how is it different than many other stories already been told? A girl born and raised in the country, goes off to College, graduates, moves to a big tri-city, after a good chunk of years meets the man of her dreams and gets married? There is a lot more "meat" between those milestones though. Great joy and sorrow. Cancer. Family drama. Spirituality. Conflict. Identity crisis.

There are a lot of things I feel like I missed learning about growing up. Education which to me would be deemed necessary to know in life. I don't blame parents, I don't really blame anyone. Circumstance, tradition, location. They all played a part in who I am today and as time moves on, I keep changing.

I don't know if I need to explore this or just blog once in a while to get it off my chest?

Do I have a story worth telling?

I've had a lot of time off work lately which means I have more time on my hands. What do with that time besides the regular dishes and cooking, reading of course! I have read more books in the past 3 months then I have in the past 4 years.

Back story. I grew up in a Christian bubble. I only read Christian material. (Ok, so I read the odd bodice ripper in high school, curiosity!). For 4 years I worked in the Christian book market. I stopped reading for a long time due to life just happening. I was always lost in libraries unless I could find a Christian author.

Here I am today. Thanks to a new friend and just pulling random books from the shelves I have discovered a love for different genres, finding authors I dig. I always felt guilty for reading non-Christian books for years but I've changed. (Plus, to be honest, there is a lot of Christian books that are just fluff or super unrealistic but that's a whole other rant!).

This morning I just put down a book I tore thru in the past two days.

The Last Letters from Your Lover
It's a romantic story that spans 40 years, a couple who fell in love but lost connection through life changes, heart ache, circumstances and society. It's beautiful, and the story is woven so well that it makes you keep flipping to the next page. A few tears streamed down my face at the end, such a sweet ending. Only side note: pay attention to the dates at the beginning of the chapters especially in part 1. I hope to read more books from this author!










Other books I have enjoyed to my surprise:
Divergent
This is a young adults read so not something I would normally pick up. Thanks to a new friend of mine, she has me hooked and wanting more books in this genre - Dystopian.
An easy read with a great story about the journey of a young female choosing her destiny. Lots of actions, emotions, sweet moments and also a girl kick'n butt which I love!
Unfortunately I think I have to wait until next year for the next book from this author! This also means I need to get reading the Hunger Games but the waiting list at the Library is insane!









Another author I am digging is Janet Evanovich! I have tore thru the two books I had of hers and I'm hoping to pick up some more today.

Here's to more great reads!! (And random book pulling from the shelves!) :D

Lately I have been reading some marriage blogs. Hey, I'm a newlywed, I need advice! Not just because we didn't get a whole lot of premarital counselling but because of the lack of guidance/examples in my life. (That's changing though, becoming friends with couples
who have been married a lot longer then us).

A big topic in our lives is birth control/family planning. I am on the pill and have to be
due to my PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome). So in a way I'm helping my issue and also not
getting pregnant (also PCOS means I may not even be able to have kids, talk about complicated).
I found a blog post today on birth control methods. Yes the blog was from a Christian
women and author so it's a tad religious but she was honestly laying out birth control
options for couples. But the comments? WOW. Women angry that couples don't consider using
"God" as birth control. That it's up to Him to bless you with or without a child. This angers
me so much!! I have a good friend who cannot conceive and it's hurting her. It has nothing
to do with her faith but with hormonal and other issues going on in her body. It's not God
punishing her for some sin or anything. Biology has a lot to play in this picture. Who knows
what the future has in store? A healthy hormonal body, a child in a couple years, adoption,
etc. Who are we to know except have trust in God with our heart's desire such as having a child.

I also find this irresponsible using "God" as a contraceptive. Some couples may not
want children for various reasons (too many to get in to) and they shouldn't be judged. We
are also living in a very unstable world right now! Life has changed so much since our parents
had us - many people getting married later in life, having careers over getting married or
just finding love late in life. I know there is never a perfect time to have a child but
I think having a bit of a plan, putting away funds would make life a lot easier if a child
does come along. I remember my parents raising 4 girls, the struggles, the hand me downs, the
stress of making sure food is on the table. Maybe some of us don't want to put a child
through that.

Right now I am on the fence. Maybe a child down the road maybe not. My body may not even
be able to carry a child. I'm not ready to make the decision right now. Kevin's career
moves him around a lot, I'm currently unemployed. Not a smart time to have a child! (Don't
read into this, I am so no even ready to think about popping one out! :P)

A side note: Sex is more than procreation!! (I could RANT about this so much!) I knew someone
once who told me sex was for the man and baby making, that's it. *sigh* Talk about an unhealthy
understanding of the role sex plays in marriage! (Which sadly has a lot to due with lack of education at home and from the church)

Everyone has their beliefs, I get that but forcing it on others?! I don't agree with that.
Explaining your beliefs is fine too but don't get angry! Think a little about the struggles
some others may be going through. Be sensitive! Some people can't just have a baby.

I am very happy I don't have pressure from neither my parents or in-laws. I also go to a church that doesn't judge me for not having a child as soon as we were married. I'm fortunate!

I think I'm done ranting...for now! :P